Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
