my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
