Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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