i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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