I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
