Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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