Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
