She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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