she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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