The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
