that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
