everyone is single if you try hard enough
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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