it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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