I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
