I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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