thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
