Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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