im six kinds of drunk right now
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
