The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
