Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
