toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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