she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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