I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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