I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
