I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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