i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
