Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.