Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing