Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
