i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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