Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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