In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
