Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
