True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
