you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
