It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Pooping to opera.
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