her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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