I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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