I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
