I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I need moral support for this bender
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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