If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
