My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
