We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
