I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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