apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
