Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
