Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he thought i was a dude.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
