My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
