Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
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so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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