You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
