hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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