i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
