Betty ford says i'm here all night
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
