Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
