You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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