Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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