Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
