Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
