I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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