Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
