got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
