so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
