I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
